The Joys of Impotence


I remember with affection, satisfaction and pleasure the sexual relationship I had with a man who, while we were together, experienced quite a bit of erectile dysfunction.

I can guess what most of you are saying now: "Huh?" or "WTF?" with an emphasis on WT, since there wasn't that much F.

But I'm serious. It was great. It was fun. There were quite a few things I liked about this relationship, the first being that the guy was a generous, curious, inventive lover, and the second being that we were forced to depart from "the script."

You know the script: enough foreplay that you're both reasonably "ready" for the "main event," then the "main event," then an orgasm or two (ideally two, but sometimes only one), then enough cuddling and pillow talk that the matter feels resolved, then sleep or starting the day or whatever is on the agenda.

The script has its advantages. It's pretty basic and soon becomes familiar, and for both those reasons is easy to follow. That can be great, if you want security and are trying to get to know a partner, who they are, what they like.

But for both those reasons, the script can get old for some people. And for those people, even--especially?--when you're with a partner you really love and find absolutely attractive, it can be slightly disappointing when sex is almost exclusively about genitals.

So when I got a partner who couldn't follow the script, I didn't really mind.

OK, I admit that there were a couple of times when it was a bit of a drag that we couldn't take things to a certain logical conclusion, but whatever. And there were, of course, times when we managed to follow the script quite nicely.

But there were also times when, because we couldn't make use of an erect penis, we tried all sorts of things that didn't require one. Each got to know the rest of the other's body quite well. There was lots of kissing and stroking and looking. There was lots of TALK. I love talking in bed. I just LOVE it. We discussed our fantasies and worked out a few that pleased us both that we could use when we were apart. We discussed scenarios and role-playing.

In the not-too-distant past I discussed this relationship with two friends, one male and one female. The woman expressed just a little bit of envy at the prospect of a lover whose repertoire extended, by necessity, well beyond the script.

The man expressed gratitude on behalf of his entire gender for my patience and understanding with a man who couldn't always get it up. But as I really tried to convey to this friend, it wasn't like I had to sigh hard, go inside myself and somehow find the patience not to tell this lover he was a disappointment. He WASN'T a disappointment. He was fabulous. He was a lot of fun. He took pleasure in ALL of me, and was not just willing but downright eager to give pleasure to ALL of me. I felt lucky.

Honestly, I think a bout of erectile dysfunction can be a real blessing to a couple, and I also think that it should be a good long while before you resort to something like viagra. We talked about medication; the guy didn't want to take it, and I didn't mind.

Eventually things resolved in two different ways, somewhat overlapping, one being that the ED subsided, and another being that we split up. And there are things about that relationship that I remember with annoyance, frustration and pain. But as I already said, the sexual part of the relationship I remember with affection, satisfaction and pleasure.

And I think it should be pretty easy to understand why.


I appreciate what you've sad about being with a partner with erectile dysfunction. Having lived with it (as a man) hasn't been easy, but has helped me grow.

IF you or any readers are interested, the links below reference the two writings I've done on my blog related to ED.


thanks for stopping by, Geo, and thanks for the links--very interesting stuff.

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This page contains a single entry by Holly published on June 30, 2010 9:19 AM.

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