Warning: read no further if you have if don’t want to be grossed out, because frankly, my title should be taken literally. This entry includes a link to a site with thoroughly disgusting photos, as well as references to bodily functions many people prefer not to discuss.
In other words, don’t get to the end of this entry and leave me a comment about how I gave you too much information, because I’m telling you right now, if you don’t really want to know what I’ve been doing for the past five days, don’t read on.
So here it is:
I’ve been cleansing my colon.
Yep. A few weeks ago in an entry about lucid dreaming, I mentioned that one trick in the new age bag of steps to enlightenment is colon cleansing--the idea is that toxicity in the bowels impedes both physical and spiritual health. Not too long ago my acupuncturist recommended some outfit called Blessed Herbs--said they sold a mean colon cleansing kit. I had nothing better to do during the final weekend in July than drink a load of apple juice and trot to the bathroom, so I figured, why the hell not?
The specifics of this cleanse involve, as I say, apple juice. And packets of some toxin absorbing powder you mix with said apple juice five times a day. And some powerful digestion-stimulating herbs packaged in handy capsules so you can swallow some right before bedtime. And six to eight glasses of water. And, ideally, nothing else. Which is a basically a juice fast, and you do it for five days.
Before I go any further, let me say that I HATE FASTING. I HATE IT. I have ALWAYS hated it. Even when I was anorexic I hated it. I did it, but I hated it.
I especially hated it as a Mormon. Don’t know if you knew this, but all Mormons in decent health are supposed to fast for 24 hours the first Sunday of every month. Now, fasting can be good for you in moderation, provided you drink enough water while you’re doing it to keep your organs lubricated and healthy. But the thing about fasting as a Mormon is this: you go without water for 24 hours too. And that’s just bad for you. It’s not only onerous and boring, it’s flat unhealthy.
But even fasting as a regular Mormon wasn’t as bad as fasting as a missionary. Because as a missionary, you had to ride around on a bike and sweat and get dehydrated, and you still weren’t supposed to drink anything--or if you REALLY needed some liquid, you have a very little bit of water, just enough to wet your mouth.
Plus it made Sundays really long not to be able to go home from Church and cook dinner. The only good thing about fast Sunday as a missionary was that when we finally did get to cook dinner and eat, we usually just stayed in for the rest of the night, instead of going back out to work for three more hours like we were supposed to--we called that P-Day eve, because the next day was our Preparation or P-day, the one day a week we go to do things like listen to music or write letters.
Anyway. Back to the fact that I hate fasting. It’s painful and boring. I personally don’t have much energy when I fast--something about not consuming food just does that to me. But I do recognize that at times, being bored and uncomfortable is worth it.
This was one such time. Fasting got easier the longer I did it, partly because I wisely cleared my refrigerator of actual food before I started, partly because I kept reading the website and the instructions obsessively and learned that I could consume things like vegetable broth and miso if I really wanted to, partly because my stomach shrank (boy did it shrink) and partly because, well, the process was producing satisfactory results.
Now I’ve done colon cleanses before. But I’ve never seen results like those I got with this system. I won’t bother to describe them, because if you really want to know what they were like, simply go to a page aptly titled It’s Gross and It’s Mine! and see what happened.
There was a point when I wondered how I could have six bowel movements a day (hey! I told you not to read on if you weren’t prepared to encounter grossness!) when I wasn’t consuming any solid food, but according to the experts what I was expelling wasn’t anything I’d eaten recently: it was “mucoid plaque.” I got out an anatomy book and read up on the colon: turns out one of the main things the colon does is produce lots and lots of mucus, and it doesn’t always go anywhere. And when it just sits in your colon for over four decades, it becomes caked with very old feces and all sorts of nastiness.
By the end I had to wonder how there was room for my food to pass through when there was all that other stuff in there. Which is pretty much the point: clearing all that out so there’s room for your food, so nutrients are absorbed more easily, etc etc.
Overall I am quite happy with the results. I lost several pounds and my stomach is MUCH flatter. I feel like my complexion looks healthier--I might be making that up. But it’s really nice to know that all that stuff is just GONE.
In other words, I actually recommend this, and I might even do it again.
Now, one question you might be having is why doing that would prevent me from blogging. It didn’t, really; I just didn’t feel like it. I felt lethargic and vulnerable and all I really wanted to do was monitor my body and its various functions. But now that’s all done and I’m back to clogging up my gut rather than clearing it out. But who knows. Perhaps some new lightness and clarity will be reflected in my writing.