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August 30, 2005
I Never Meant to Hurt You
Few things piss me off more than the statement, "I never meant to hurt you," since it's usually mustered in defense of some fairly heinous act.
"I never meant to hurt you... by sleeping with your best friend."
"I never meant to hurt you... by failing to explain that my estranged ex isn't always so estranged."
"I never meant to hurt you... by taking your credit cards and running up charges in excess of your student loan debt."
"I never meant to hurt you... by A) having sex with and B) impregnating you in your own bed while you were passed out from a night of heavy drinking and unable A) to give any kind of consent or B) tell me where the condoms were or C) remember a damn thing."
Well what DID you MEAN to do, asshole? What did you think your actions would result in? I hate that phrase because what it usually translates to is, "I was too lazy/selfish/stupid/mean to consider how my actions would affect you, so I just did what I wanted and hoped I wouldn't have to deal with the consequences."
No one HAS to hurt someone, and who CARES whether or not you MEANT to hurt someone if you really, really did? If I realize that I hurt someone, and I regret it, regardless of my intentions, I say something like, "I'm really sorry. I screwed up. What can I do to make it better?" I don't try to erase my responsibility for the consequences of my actions by saying that causing that hurt wasn't my primary objective, and I never say I HAD to hurt someone, though I have occasionally admitted that I hurt someone on purpose–what else can you do but be honest after you've said something really hateful in the heat of the moment and then have to deal with its effects a few days later when the heat is gone and the relationship frigid? I know I have choices, and I show that I value my right to make them by claiming responsibility for them and their consequences.
I'm not done with this topic, but this entry is long enough, so I'll end here and take the topic up again another time.
Posted by holly at August 30, 2005 6:38 AM
it's been forever since i've written to holly, and now seems like the perfect time, since i LOVE this post. having recently been consumed with my very own adam (joyful that there are so many to go around), i started thinking about other infuriating thoughts uttered in the name of selfishness and laziness. here are my current faves:
"i feel this intense connection with you and we have such a great time when we're together ... but something's missing. "
"i don't know what's missing, and i don't think i'd know it if it appeared, but it's missing nonetheless."
"maybe we could start all over. we could go backwards. like not see each other for a few months at all and then like meet up again at that bar where we first met?"
(Time Travel! what will the narcissists think of next?)
"i KNOW i wrote and answered your personals ad for a second time after breaking up with you 2 weeks ago, but i almost DIDN'T answer it because i thought it was you. and plus i'm hardly ever on that website since it's full of idiots. i'm glad you're doing this, though. you are a rock. i also almost didn't answer it because you SPECIFIED the kind of person you wanted. anyone who says they want that kind of person is NOT the woman for me."
ok, so that one's kind of specific. but whatever. man, i feel better now. a little. it's brutal out there. why is it i equate a certain deftness with language with real wisdom?
anyway. holly rocks. that much i do know.